It doesn't matter if you want to be my focus or not, Alex. You are. That's not an argument, it's a statement of fact. You're my reason. Everyone needs a reason to try and change, and you're mine. I can't be my own reason--and I do not need you arguing with me abput how I should be. I need someone, anyone, to just...accept that I'm telling you the truth of my capabilities and being as honest as I know how to be. Maybe it's not healthy.But I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "mental illness." If logic was going to make me better, I'd never have gotten as fucked up as I did.
I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2021-08-08 10:51 pm (UTC)I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.