"To keep you safe!" Alex shouted. "You saw what he did when we were kids. What was he going to do now that he knows what you are? Find a shallow grave to bury you in?" Which was a truth and one of the reasons he'd backed away from Michael after he'd found out. But it was only one of the reasons.
His voice went quiet and it was almost hard to hear. "I love you so much it hurts and I shouldn't be allowed that. I ruin everything I touch. I am ruined."
He could list all the ways to describe himself and most of his friends wouldn't agree and they were wrong. Coward, selfish, lonely. And because he was the first two, he deserved the third. Giving in to his father's voice in his ear about Michael and his less than legal dealings had been about knowing that Michael deserved better than that. Not that Alex deserved better, but that Michael did.
To be blunt, Alex didn't feel like he deserved Michael and so he was selfish when he got to have him.
"But I can't let you go, either. Not completely. I need you."
Michael wanted to snap back that he wasn't afraid of Alex's father, but, truthfully, he'd been terrified at finding out that a man who hated him that much knew what he was and hated that even more. But it was bullshit that Alex had to break it off again because of that. The damage was done. Alex being close to Michael wasn't going to make it any worse, as far as Michael could see.
But before he could say more about that, though, Alex went and took the righteous indignation out of his sails with his almost-too-quiet-to-hear confession.
Because he knows what it is to love so much it hurts. And he knows something about feeling like you wreck everything, even if, really it's more a perception than anything he's done himself.
"I'm not going anywhere, Alex. It might take the rest of my life to even find the pieces, and even if I could..." He shrugged. "But can you blame me for wanting to know what I am? Where I come from?"
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2019-08-04 08:22 pm (UTC)His voice went quiet and it was almost hard to hear. "I love you so much it hurts and I shouldn't be allowed that. I ruin everything I touch. I am ruined."
He could list all the ways to describe himself and most of his friends wouldn't agree and they were wrong. Coward, selfish, lonely. And because he was the first two, he deserved the third. Giving in to his father's voice in his ear about Michael and his less than legal dealings had been about knowing that Michael deserved better than that. Not that Alex deserved better, but that Michael did.
To be blunt, Alex didn't feel like he deserved Michael and so he was selfish when he got to have him.
"But I can't let you go, either. Not completely. I need you."
no subject
Date: 2019-09-29 03:04 am (UTC)But before he could say more about that, though, Alex went and took the righteous indignation out of his sails with his almost-too-quiet-to-hear confession.
Because he knows what it is to love so much it hurts. And he knows something about feeling like you wreck everything, even if, really it's more a perception than anything he's done himself.
"I'm not going anywhere, Alex. It might take the rest of my life to even find the pieces, and even if I could..." He shrugged. "But can you blame me for wanting to know what I am? Where I come from?"