[Bass's own voice is cracking, too, and he feels a little sick because he doesn't know how to explain.]
And that's what I can't do right now, Alex. I am not currently capable of believing you. My skull isn't thick; my brain is fucked up. I tell myself the things you're saying over and over, but something else in me is louder and stronger, and now I'm literally hearing shit that mocks me everytime I try to rationalize my way through it. Memories that echo, and then I'll swear there's someone in the other room laughing at me for having hope. And I don't know how to shut them up. Like...I'm not being dramatic here talking about the voices in my head. I actually hear them loud enough to freak me out. I honestly thought Miles had shown up here the other day.
It's not even like I don't understand not letting go once you let someone in. Everyone I've ever loved has either died in my arms or betrayed and abandoned me. Everyone. And, fuck me, if I wouldn't - or haven't already - forgiven them, or beg for their forgiveness. I've forgiven Miles and taken him back over and over...only for him to break my heart again, or use my feelings and forgiveness aginst me. And I'd still forgive him for the last time if he showed up here tomorrow. But what I wouldn't do is date him while I still had time to be with you, even if he decided to be less straight. He and I will do this dance until the day one of us is in the ground - which'll be the day we both are, probably, or I find my sense of self-worth, and say "enough is enough." [The derisive snort he gives saysa how likely he thinks that is.]
I don't mind sharing your heart, Alex. I never expected to have all of it--that's way too much for me to ever dream of--and I can't give you a full one, anyway. Shelly's been dead for 14 years, and she'll still always have part of mine. But I'm used to losing what I love most, and I've never loved anyone the way I love you, which is terrifying given my track record, and I don't want to lose whatever precious time this place gives us to be together to the guy you can work shit out with and spend the rest of your life with at home, after you forget I ever existed. And I don't want to lose you completely any sooner than I'm already going to...which is where trying to get myself fixed comes in, so I can believe you when you say I won't lose you, that you're not leaving me. I wish I could explain how paranoid psychosis works, so you wouldn't think I'm just stubbornly refusing to believe you or that I think you're lying. Rationally, in my sane moments, I know you're not. I just need....more sane moments, whatever it takes to get me there.
And...shit, I'm sorry. I didn't want to say any of that. I just wanted to suck it up until they could fix me. I'm sorry, Alex.
Then whenever your brain lies to you, I will remind you that I'm not leaving. That's the real point I'm trying to make. You're right. I don't understand what it is you're going through, but that doesn't change anything for me.
[ And then he's quiet for a minute when Bass basically calls him out. He's quiet again when he finally continues. ]
I know I hurt you, Bass, and I don't know what to say except to apologize. The only thing I can say is that I tried to deny it. And when I couldn't deny it anymore, I tried to live with the status quo. And it hurts to know that I'm causing you pain, but I couldn't keep pretending anymore, Sebastian. One of the things I promised myself when we got serious was that I was going to do better than I had with Guerin. I've lied too much in my life. To myself more than anyone.
So maybe what I should apologize for is not telling you from the beginning. I was just afraid that if I admitted I still had feelings for him, that I wanted to see where it went, that I'd be the one to lose you, not the other way around.
It's the seeing where it goes that makes everything else so hard to believe, though. Because if it goes somewhere good, eventually I'm in the way or you're trapped by a promise that becomes a burden.
You don't have to apologize for what you feel. I always knew you still loved him. Ironically, I found it comforting - it was reassuring to know you didn't just fall in and out of love. I guess I just hoped you loved me more, hoped that by trying to do better by you, I'd get the guy for once. And then I did. And now I have to learn to live with the possibility that, once again, I might lose everything. But I love you enough to accept whatever you can give me and be grateful for it. I just need to figure out how to get my broken brain to accept that, too.
Maybe if I actually believed I deserve to be loved, maybe my reaction would be different. I don't know. But if I can promise the guy who tried to kill me anything in my power if he'd just come home, I can't do less for you. I won't do less for you. Like I've been saying - your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me, so I've been trying to make that my focus: if you need him to be happy, then I'd be a selfish asshole to tell you "no." And I've been a selfish asshole for most of my life. I want to be something else for you. And maybe they can fix me so I can be.
I don’t love either of you more or less. I just…love you. Both Don’t ask me how it works because I’ve never felt like this before, but that’s the way I feel. It’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is. …actually, never mind. My dad definitely had favorites. Bad example. But you get the point. Seeing where things go with him doesn’t mean I suddenly stopped loving you. If that’s what it meant, I would have said something.
I don’t want to be your focus, okay? I want you to be your focus. I’m not going anywhere. And if you have to call me daily to remind yourself I’m still here, that’s fine.
I just… I love you. And I want you to be okay for you.
It doesn't matter if you want to be my focus or not, Alex. You are. That's not an argument, it's a statement of fact. You're my reason. Everyone needs a reason to try and change, and you're mine. I can't be my own reason--and I do not need you arguing with me abput how I should be. I need someone, anyone, to just...accept that I'm telling you the truth of my capabilities and being as honest as I know how to be. Maybe it's not healthy.But I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "mental illness." If logic was going to make me better, I'd never have gotten as fucked up as I did.
I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:53 am (UTC)And that's what I can't do right now, Alex. I am not currently capable of believing you. My skull isn't thick; my brain is fucked up. I tell myself the things you're saying over and over, but something else in me is louder and stronger, and now I'm literally hearing shit that mocks me everytime I try to rationalize my way through it. Memories that echo, and then I'll swear there's someone in the other room laughing at me for having hope. And I don't know how to shut them up. Like...I'm not being dramatic here talking about the voices in my head. I actually hear them loud enough to freak me out. I honestly thought Miles had shown up here the other day.
It's not even like I don't understand not letting go once you let someone in. Everyone I've ever loved has either died in my arms or betrayed and abandoned me. Everyone. And, fuck me, if I wouldn't - or haven't already - forgiven them, or beg for their forgiveness. I've forgiven Miles and taken him back over and over...only for him to break my heart again, or use my feelings and forgiveness aginst me. And I'd still forgive him for the last time if he showed up here tomorrow. But what I wouldn't do is date him while I still had time to be with you, even if he decided to be less straight. He and I will do this dance until the day one of us is in the ground - which'll be the day we both are, probably, or I find my sense of self-worth, and say "enough is enough." [The derisive snort he gives saysa how likely he thinks that is.]
I don't mind sharing your heart, Alex. I never expected to have all of it--that's way too much for me to ever dream of--and I can't give you a full one, anyway. Shelly's been dead for 14 years, and she'll still always have part of mine. But I'm used to losing what I love most, and I've never loved anyone the way I love you, which is terrifying given my track record, and I don't want to lose whatever precious time this place gives us to be together to the guy you can work shit out with and spend the rest of your life with at home, after you forget I ever existed. And I don't want to lose you completely any sooner than I'm already going to...which is where trying to get myself fixed comes in, so I can believe you when you say I won't lose you, that you're not leaving me. I wish I could explain how paranoid psychosis works, so you wouldn't think I'm just stubbornly refusing to believe you or that I think you're lying. Rationally, in my sane moments, I know you're not. I just need....more sane moments, whatever it takes to get me there.
And...shit, I'm sorry. I didn't want to say any of that. I just wanted to suck it up until they could fix me. I'm sorry, Alex.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 02:49 am (UTC)[ And then he's quiet for a minute when Bass basically calls him out. He's quiet again when he finally continues. ]
I know I hurt you, Bass, and I don't know what to say except to apologize. The only thing I can say is that I tried to deny it. And when I couldn't deny it anymore, I tried to live with the status quo. And it hurts to know that I'm causing you pain, but I couldn't keep pretending anymore, Sebastian. One of the things I promised myself when we got serious was that I was going to do better than I had with Guerin. I've lied too much in my life. To myself more than anyone.
So maybe what I should apologize for is not telling you from the beginning. I was just afraid that if I admitted I still had feelings for him, that I wanted to see where it went, that I'd be the one to lose you, not the other way around.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 03:16 am (UTC)You don't have to apologize for what you feel. I always knew you still loved him. Ironically, I found it comforting - it was reassuring to know you didn't just fall in and out of love. I guess I just hoped you loved me more, hoped that by trying to do better by you, I'd get the guy for once. And then I did. And now I have to learn to live with the possibility that, once again, I might lose everything. But I love you enough to accept whatever you can give me and be grateful for it. I just need to figure out how to get my broken brain to accept that, too.
Maybe if I actually believed I deserve to be loved, maybe my reaction would be different. I don't know. But if I can promise the guy who tried to kill me anything in my power if he'd just come home, I can't do less for you. I won't do less for you. Like I've been saying - your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me, so I've been trying to make that my focus: if you need him to be happy, then I'd be a selfish asshole to tell you "no." And I've been a selfish asshole for most of my life. I want to be something else for you. And maybe they can fix me so I can be.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-08 08:52 pm (UTC)I don’t want to be your focus, okay? I want you to be your focus. I’m not going anywhere. And if you have to call me daily to remind yourself I’m still here, that’s fine.
I just… I love you. And I want you to be okay for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-08 10:51 pm (UTC)I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.