Friend? I'm sorry. Though it doesn't explain why I have a detective agency. I'm not a detective. I mean, I've done my share of snooping behind enemy lines, but that's not the same thing.
No. No. That's the last thing I want. [The mere thought of it almost sends him into a panic attack. Once he manages to remember how yo breathe.] I'm not leaving. I just...Kyle's got it set up so I can go stay at a clinic in the Up. My meds are all messed up for some reason and I'm...scared. I don't want to break my promises to you, or risk hurting anyone else, either. I know the voices aren't real, but they're pretty damn hard to ignore, and trying to drown them out with extra painkillers is dangerous, too. So, I'm...asking for help. Kyle's got me booked for an evaluation, and I know they'll keep me at least until they're sure I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. I just don't know when that will be. They may just need to adjust my meds, or try new ones. Or make me draw things or play music or...whatever they do.
[ Another long moment and a deep breath as he takes in what Bass is actually saying and he tries to come to terms with it. Although he suspects that coming to terms with it probably won't be an easy or a quick process. ]
Okay. What can I do to help?
[ Since they both know that this started with him. Maybe it wasn't his fault - although it sure as hell feels like it - but it definitely started with him. ]
Don't leave? [He hates that it comes out like a question, and that hisvoice cracks a little as the full impact of what he's doing starts hitting him.]
Just promise that you'll be there when I come home, unless the City prevents it. [By sending Alex home or trapping him somewhere. Charlie just disappeared, almost mid-conversation, and now Hannibal is just...gone, too. Bass is very well aware that Alex could also just disappear--as could he, which is the worst part of this--knowing they have limited time to be together, that it could end at any instant, even if neither of them wants it to. It makes this--going away even for good reason--a choice he really had to struggle with, because what if he wastes what could be his last few precious days with Alex? The idea that Alex won't be there when he comes home is terrifying, and not just because of Michael. He remembers too well what Dolls said when Charlie left -- at least Bass gets to go home to her, one day, and can try again (or for the first time, if he forgets here). Michael gets to go ghome to Alex. Has the chance to spend the rest of his life with him. Bass has here, however long here lasts, and that's it. That makes every second precious beyond measure.
It's a real signal, to himself, at least, of how scared he is of repeating old patterns, that he's willing to risk it on the hope of getting better.]
Be careful when you're in the Down, don't do anything to wind up in jail or the People Zoo. Just...be there. Please?
Kyle said he's going to set it up so that you can visit, so. That would be good, too. Maybe bring me some changes of clothes and my shaving kit, or at least my toothbrush? [It occurs to him they probably won't let him have his razor, and that's probably wise.]
I probably have time to come home and pack, but I'm afraid I'll chicken out and not go if I come home, and I do know that I need to go. [He's not sure if he'll be able to go, if he has to walk away from Alex.]
[He clears his throat that's gotten annoyingly choked up.]
I'm sorry, Alex. This isn't what you signed up for, and you deserve better, but maybe they can finally fix me, and then I can be better for you. I love you.
Listen to me, okay? You do not need to be fixed. Not like you mean. You need help. More help than I was giving you. More than I know how to give you. But don't say that I don't deserve you. I love you. Beginning and end. I will be right here whenever you get back. But there are things that I've done, that I'm doing, that you don't deserve either.
I knew you were in pain, but I didn't know how much. I thought I'd wait until you were over the physical pain to talk about the rest.
[ And here, if he were the good guy, he'd offer to step back from Guerin. But he'd been denying his feelings for months and not talking about it to either of them and that wasn't healthy. For him. For them. Better Bass comes back to something closer to an even keel and they talk about the reality of the situation rather than what they'd wish the situation was. ]
So I'm sorry, too. Me and my mess of feelings are not what you signed up for, either. You don't have to be better for me. You just have to be you. And I will be here whenever you need me and I'll be home specifically whenever you get back.
We probably shouldn't talk about what I deserve or don't deserve. We'll just fight and I don't want to waste a second I have with you fighting. Charlie and I never could agree on what I deserve, and we weren't even talking when she left. One of the only family I've got left, and I drove her away. Jeremy said I do that with everyone who loves me, get so paranoid and irrational that I make them leave, or I destry them. And that's why I've got to do this, because I'm not going to let you be another of my emotional casualties. I keep hearing this line from fucking Lifehouse in my head: "You've gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."
[He sounds all kinds of disdainful of that principle, but laced with some grudging acknowledgement that it probs has some truth to it. He's alao aware he's deflecting, because he does not want to talk about his hurt. If he starts, he worries he won't be able to stop. And he doesn't want to risk that.]
I don't know if I can do that. I'm pretty sure even Rachel doesn't hate me as much as I hate myself. And I gave her plenty of cause to hate me. Charlie and Miles, too. I don't ever want to give you cause to, as well. So, yeah. I mean, it's nice of you to say I don't, but I do have to be better. Me just being me hasn't worked out for me since the state championship game my junior year. And I want to be good for you, and be what you need. Because I always need you. Nothing's right when you're not with me, and I don't know how I'll sleep tonight without you there. Which, yeah, I guess makes me needy as fuck, and I'm sorry about that, too. I've been told no one really likes that.
Hey, when was the last time I slept without you? I'm not going to sleep any easier than you are.
What I'm saying is...
[ A moment's pause as he tries to get all of his whirling thoughts in order without making things worse. ]
What I'm saying is that I don't need you to be better for me. I want you to be better for you. Because 'better' or not, I'm not going anywhere. I need you, too. A year and a half, all the things this place puts us through, I never would have gotten through it without you.
[ He'd have thrown himself at the door of the cage instead of trying to tunnel his way out. And he'd have gotten destroyed because of it. ]
I wonder if they'll give me anything to sleep, if I ask. They did at the hospital when the morphine wasn't knocking me out anymore. But I'm pretty sure they'll be stricter about that kind of thing. Maybe. They surely don't want to add sleep deprivation to everything else. I've got stuff in the medicine cabinet if you need anything.
These few days aside, though, you've got me, Alex. I'll be back home soon, and I'll be better. For both of us. Because this is the first time I've ever had anything to get better for, first time I've had anything worth fighting to be better for. You were worth going to therapy for, and you're worth getting committed for. You're even worth putting down the whiskey and the pills for.
[That gets a rueful smile, like he's laughing at himself for saying something he'd never have thought he'd say.]
Though you might need to throw a party or three while I'm gone to reduce the stockpile.
But, seriously, Alex - you've already made me a better man than I was when we met, and you make me want to be even better--not just my emotional issues, but. In general. Maybe that's something we could do with the detective agency--really set it up to see if we can help people who need it. People who don't have anyone else to help them. I lied to myself for years that I was doing that. Maybe it's something I can do for real--something we can do. Together.
I'll figure out a way to get rid of the bar. Worse comes to worst, I find out whether vampires drink. And when you get back, we'll figure out the rest.
You have me now. Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?
[ He'd had things he wanted to say before, things he'd been planning to say when Bass was over being the worst of physically injured, but now he doesn't know what to say. Especially since Bass doesn't seem to want to talk about Guerin and Alex isn't sure how much he should or shouldn't push. ]
Pretty sure Hayley's depredations on our bar proves they do - a lot, even. That girl could probably drink Miles under the table, and I've never seen anyone come close to doing that.
[The flash of amusement fades and he lifts one shoulder in a shrug.]
I dunno. I think that was most of what I wanted to say. I love you, and I'm going to miss you like crazy, and hopefully, they can fix me fast, and then I'll be back home with you, where I belong.
[After a second, he adds, almost tentatively, because he's worried Alex will press on what's triggered him, and then will feel guilty, no matter qhat Bass says. So much better if he can maintain that it's just a medication isasue, which, really, it's gotta be, at least partly.]
If you need to talk about anything, we can do that.
How about this. I love you and I'm going to miss you like crazy.
And when you think you can talk about the rest, because we need to talk about the rest, just let me know. I knew you accepting things was too easy, but you got hurt before we could have it out. So I was waiting until you were better physically and now I'm going to have to wait until you're better mentally.
But I'll say this. Leaving? Is off the table. I was willing to give you space if you wanted it, but only if you wanted it. You remember that first night? How you were so adamant you were leaving until I stepped in your way? I never stepped back.
That's just it - I don't want to "have it out," Alex. I want to give you whatever you need to be happy. I'm just...terrified, because just because you haven't stepped back doesn't mean you won't eventually. Everyone does. [And if seeing where something goes winds up...going somewhere good, if Alex and Michael discover they can make things work, Bass isn't under any illusions that Alex will stay, then.] So, I'll do whatever I have to do, accept whatever you need me to accept to not drive you away, to not lose you. And right now, how my head is, I don't know how to do that. It's like my worst non-war nightmare come to life. But, if they can fix my head, then I can be what you need me to be. People do this all the time, especially here. You shouldn't have to be unhappy just because I'm broken. I'm doing this for you as much as me. So you can be happy. That's the only thing that matters to me.
I don't want you to be what I need you to be. You already are. I just need you to believe that nothing else in my heart will change the way I feel about you. I don't think I consciously realized what was coming at the time, I was so hell bent on trying not to hurt you. But I think that's why I added that I'd always come home into the contract when we made it permanent. Not to make sure I did, but so you'd know I always would.
If I were going to stop loving him, it would have happened over ten years ago when I left Roswell. If I were going to fall out of love with you, it would have happened when he got here.
Maybe I'm just not built to let go of the few people I let in.
[ Another deep breath and he sounds more determined. ]
So strap in. Because we're doing this until you get it through your thick skull that I'm not letting you go.
[Bass's own voice is cracking, too, and he feels a little sick because he doesn't know how to explain.]
And that's what I can't do right now, Alex. I am not currently capable of believing you. My skull isn't thick; my brain is fucked up. I tell myself the things you're saying over and over, but something else in me is louder and stronger, and now I'm literally hearing shit that mocks me everytime I try to rationalize my way through it. Memories that echo, and then I'll swear there's someone in the other room laughing at me for having hope. And I don't know how to shut them up. Like...I'm not being dramatic here talking about the voices in my head. I actually hear them loud enough to freak me out. I honestly thought Miles had shown up here the other day.
It's not even like I don't understand not letting go once you let someone in. Everyone I've ever loved has either died in my arms or betrayed and abandoned me. Everyone. And, fuck me, if I wouldn't - or haven't already - forgiven them, or beg for their forgiveness. I've forgiven Miles and taken him back over and over...only for him to break my heart again, or use my feelings and forgiveness aginst me. And I'd still forgive him for the last time if he showed up here tomorrow. But what I wouldn't do is date him while I still had time to be with you, even if he decided to be less straight. He and I will do this dance until the day one of us is in the ground - which'll be the day we both are, probably, or I find my sense of self-worth, and say "enough is enough." [The derisive snort he gives saysa how likely he thinks that is.]
I don't mind sharing your heart, Alex. I never expected to have all of it--that's way too much for me to ever dream of--and I can't give you a full one, anyway. Shelly's been dead for 14 years, and she'll still always have part of mine. But I'm used to losing what I love most, and I've never loved anyone the way I love you, which is terrifying given my track record, and I don't want to lose whatever precious time this place gives us to be together to the guy you can work shit out with and spend the rest of your life with at home, after you forget I ever existed. And I don't want to lose you completely any sooner than I'm already going to...which is where trying to get myself fixed comes in, so I can believe you when you say I won't lose you, that you're not leaving me. I wish I could explain how paranoid psychosis works, so you wouldn't think I'm just stubbornly refusing to believe you or that I think you're lying. Rationally, in my sane moments, I know you're not. I just need....more sane moments, whatever it takes to get me there.
And...shit, I'm sorry. I didn't want to say any of that. I just wanted to suck it up until they could fix me. I'm sorry, Alex.
Then whenever your brain lies to you, I will remind you that I'm not leaving. That's the real point I'm trying to make. You're right. I don't understand what it is you're going through, but that doesn't change anything for me.
[ And then he's quiet for a minute when Bass basically calls him out. He's quiet again when he finally continues. ]
I know I hurt you, Bass, and I don't know what to say except to apologize. The only thing I can say is that I tried to deny it. And when I couldn't deny it anymore, I tried to live with the status quo. And it hurts to know that I'm causing you pain, but I couldn't keep pretending anymore, Sebastian. One of the things I promised myself when we got serious was that I was going to do better than I had with Guerin. I've lied too much in my life. To myself more than anyone.
So maybe what I should apologize for is not telling you from the beginning. I was just afraid that if I admitted I still had feelings for him, that I wanted to see where it went, that I'd be the one to lose you, not the other way around.
It's the seeing where it goes that makes everything else so hard to believe, though. Because if it goes somewhere good, eventually I'm in the way or you're trapped by a promise that becomes a burden.
You don't have to apologize for what you feel. I always knew you still loved him. Ironically, I found it comforting - it was reassuring to know you didn't just fall in and out of love. I guess I just hoped you loved me more, hoped that by trying to do better by you, I'd get the guy for once. And then I did. And now I have to learn to live with the possibility that, once again, I might lose everything. But I love you enough to accept whatever you can give me and be grateful for it. I just need to figure out how to get my broken brain to accept that, too.
Maybe if I actually believed I deserve to be loved, maybe my reaction would be different. I don't know. But if I can promise the guy who tried to kill me anything in my power if he'd just come home, I can't do less for you. I won't do less for you. Like I've been saying - your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me, so I've been trying to make that my focus: if you need him to be happy, then I'd be a selfish asshole to tell you "no." And I've been a selfish asshole for most of my life. I want to be something else for you. And maybe they can fix me so I can be.
I don’t love either of you more or less. I just…love you. Both Don’t ask me how it works because I’ve never felt like this before, but that’s the way I feel. It’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is. …actually, never mind. My dad definitely had favorites. Bad example. But you get the point. Seeing where things go with him doesn’t mean I suddenly stopped loving you. If that’s what it meant, I would have said something.
I don’t want to be your focus, okay? I want you to be your focus. I’m not going anywhere. And if you have to call me daily to remind yourself I’m still here, that’s fine.
I just… I love you. And I want you to be okay for you.
It doesn't matter if you want to be my focus or not, Alex. You are. That's not an argument, it's a statement of fact. You're my reason. Everyone needs a reason to try and change, and you're mine. I can't be my own reason--and I do not need you arguing with me abput how I should be. I need someone, anyone, to just...accept that I'm telling you the truth of my capabilities and being as honest as I know how to be. Maybe it's not healthy.But I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "mental illness." If logic was going to make me better, I'd never have gotten as fucked up as I did.
I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2021-05-24 01:56 am (UTC)[ A few minutes later... ]
Damn. Connor's gone.
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Date: 2021-05-24 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-24 02:58 am (UTC)It's one of the things I've been doing part-time. Mostly helping out when he needed an extra hand, but I was the only other person who worked there.
I guess since I was on the payroll, they passed it on to you.
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Date: 2021-05-24 03:04 am (UTC)[After a moment, he flips it to video, because this isn't a discussion he wants to have over text.]
Listen...I'm not going to be home for a while--at least a week or two, maybe more. So, maybe getting this agency is good timing.
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Date: 2021-05-24 03:17 am (UTC)I guess it would be useful. Never know when the card will come in handy.
[ But then there's a long pause. ]
What? I... [ A deep breath. ] If you want me to stay somewhere else for a while, the agency has another apartment. You don't have to leave.
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Date: 2021-05-24 03:27 am (UTC)No. No. That's the last thing I want. [The mere thought of it almost sends him into a panic attack. Once he manages to remember how yo breathe.] I'm not leaving. I just...Kyle's got it set up so I can go stay at a clinic in the Up. My meds are all messed up for some reason and I'm...scared. I don't want to break my promises to you, or risk hurting anyone else, either. I know the voices aren't real, but they're pretty damn hard to ignore, and trying to drown them out with extra painkillers is dangerous, too. So, I'm...asking for help. Kyle's got me booked for an evaluation, and I know they'll keep me at least until they're sure I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. I just don't know when that will be. They may just need to adjust my meds, or try new ones. Or make me draw things or play music or...whatever they do.
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Date: 2021-05-24 04:24 am (UTC)[ Another long moment and a deep breath as he takes in what Bass is actually saying and he tries to come to terms with it. Although he suspects that coming to terms with it probably won't be an easy or a quick process. ]
Okay. What can I do to help?
[ Since they both know that this started with him. Maybe it wasn't his fault - although it sure as hell feels like it - but it definitely started with him. ]
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Date: 2021-05-24 03:38 pm (UTC)Just promise that you'll be there when I come home, unless the City prevents it. [By sending Alex home or trapping him somewhere. Charlie just disappeared, almost mid-conversation, and now Hannibal is just...gone, too. Bass is very well aware that Alex could also just disappear--as could he, which is the worst part of this--knowing they have limited time to be together, that it could end at any instant, even if neither of them wants it to. It makes this--going away even for good reason--a choice he really had to struggle with, because what if he wastes what could be his last few precious days with Alex? The idea that Alex won't be there when he comes home is terrifying, and not just because of Michael. He remembers too well what Dolls said when Charlie left -- at least Bass gets to go home to her, one day, and can try again (or for the first time, if he forgets here). Michael gets to go ghome to Alex. Has the chance to spend the rest of his life with him. Bass has here, however long here lasts, and that's it. That makes every second precious beyond measure.
It's a real signal, to himself, at least, of how scared he is of repeating old patterns, that he's willing to risk it on the hope of getting better.]
Be careful when you're in the Down, don't do anything to wind up in jail or the People Zoo. Just...be there. Please?
Kyle said he's going to set it up so that you can visit, so. That would be good, too. Maybe bring me some changes of clothes and my shaving kit, or at least my toothbrush? [It occurs to him they probably won't let him have his razor, and that's probably wise.]
I probably have time to come home and pack, but I'm afraid I'll chicken out and not go if I come home, and I do know that I need to go. [He's not sure if he'll be able to go, if he has to walk away from Alex.]
[He clears his throat that's gotten annoyingly choked up.]
I'm sorry, Alex. This isn't what you signed up for, and you deserve better, but maybe they can finally fix me, and then I can be better for you. I love you.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-25 01:04 am (UTC)I knew you were in pain, but I didn't know how much. I thought I'd wait until you were over the physical pain to talk about the rest.
[ And here, if he were the good guy, he'd offer to step back from Guerin. But he'd been denying his feelings for months and not talking about it to either of them and that wasn't healthy. For him. For them. Better Bass comes back to something closer to an even keel and they talk about the reality of the situation rather than what they'd wish the situation was. ]
So I'm sorry, too. Me and my mess of feelings are not what you signed up for, either. You don't have to be better for me. You just have to be you. And I will be here whenever you need me and I'll be home specifically whenever you get back.
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Date: 2021-05-25 01:43 am (UTC)[He sounds all kinds of disdainful of that principle, but laced with some grudging acknowledgement that it probs has some truth to it. He's alao aware he's deflecting, because he does not want to talk about his hurt. If he starts, he worries he won't be able to stop. And he doesn't want to risk that.]
I don't know if I can do that. I'm pretty sure even Rachel doesn't hate me as much as I hate myself. And I gave her plenty of cause to hate me. Charlie and Miles, too. I don't ever want to give you cause to, as well. So, yeah. I mean, it's nice of you to say I don't, but I do have to be better. Me just being me hasn't worked out for me since the state championship game my junior year. And I want to be good for you, and be what you need. Because I always need you. Nothing's right when you're not with me, and I don't know how I'll sleep tonight without you there. Which, yeah, I guess makes me needy as fuck, and I'm sorry about that, too. I've been told no one really likes that.
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Date: 2021-05-25 02:22 am (UTC)What I'm saying is...
[ A moment's pause as he tries to get all of his whirling thoughts in order without making things worse. ]
What I'm saying is that I don't need you to be better for me. I want you to be better for you. Because 'better' or not, I'm not going anywhere. I need you, too. A year and a half, all the things this place puts us through, I never would have gotten through it without you.
[ He'd have thrown himself at the door of the cage instead of trying to tunnel his way out. And he'd have gotten destroyed because of it. ]
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Date: 2021-05-25 02:52 am (UTC)These few days aside, though, you've got me, Alex. I'll be back home soon, and I'll be better. For both of us. Because this is the first time I've ever had anything to get better for, first time I've had anything worth fighting to be better for. You were worth going to therapy for, and you're worth getting committed for. You're even worth putting down the whiskey and the pills for.
[That gets a rueful smile, like he's laughing at himself for saying something he'd never have thought he'd say.]
Though you might need to throw a party or three while I'm gone to reduce the stockpile.
But, seriously, Alex - you've already made me a better man than I was when we met, and you make me want to be even better--not just my emotional issues, but. In general. Maybe that's something we could do with the detective agency--really set it up to see if we can help people who need it. People who don't have anyone else to help them. I lied to myself for years that I was doing that. Maybe it's something I can do for real--something we can do. Together.
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Date: 2021-05-25 10:13 pm (UTC)You have me now. Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?
[ He'd had things he wanted to say before, things he'd been planning to say when Bass was over being the worst of physically injured, but now he doesn't know what to say. Especially since Bass doesn't seem to want to talk about Guerin and Alex isn't sure how much he should or shouldn't push. ]
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Date: 2021-05-26 12:16 am (UTC)[The flash of amusement fades and he lifts one shoulder in a shrug.]
I dunno. I think that was most of what I wanted to say. I love you, and I'm going to miss you like crazy, and hopefully, they can fix me fast, and then I'll be back home with you, where I belong.
[After a second, he adds, almost tentatively, because he's worried Alex will press on what's triggered him, and then will feel guilty, no matter qhat Bass says. So much better if he can maintain that it's just a medication isasue, which, really, it's gotta be, at least partly.]
If you need to talk about anything, we can do that.
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Date: 2021-05-26 12:29 am (UTC)And when you think you can talk about the rest, because we need to talk about the rest, just let me know. I knew you accepting things was too easy, but you got hurt before we could have it out. So I was waiting until you were better physically and now I'm going to have to wait until you're better mentally.
But I'll say this. Leaving? Is off the table. I was willing to give you space if you wanted it, but only if you wanted it. You remember that first night? How you were so adamant you were leaving until I stepped in your way? I never stepped back.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 01:19 am (UTC)[ And now he sounds distraught and near tears. ]
I don't want you to be what I need you to be. You already are. I just need you to believe that nothing else in my heart will change the way I feel about you. I don't think I consciously realized what was coming at the time, I was so hell bent on trying not to hurt you. But I think that's why I added that I'd always come home into the contract when we made it permanent. Not to make sure I did, but so you'd know I always would.
If I were going to stop loving him, it would have happened over ten years ago when I left Roswell. If I were going to fall out of love with you, it would have happened when he got here.
Maybe I'm just not built to let go of the few people I let in.
[ Another deep breath and he sounds more determined. ]
So strap in. Because we're doing this until you get it through your thick skull that I'm not letting you go.
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Date: 2021-05-26 01:53 am (UTC)And that's what I can't do right now, Alex. I am not currently capable of believing you. My skull isn't thick; my brain is fucked up. I tell myself the things you're saying over and over, but something else in me is louder and stronger, and now I'm literally hearing shit that mocks me everytime I try to rationalize my way through it. Memories that echo, and then I'll swear there's someone in the other room laughing at me for having hope. And I don't know how to shut them up. Like...I'm not being dramatic here talking about the voices in my head. I actually hear them loud enough to freak me out. I honestly thought Miles had shown up here the other day.
It's not even like I don't understand not letting go once you let someone in. Everyone I've ever loved has either died in my arms or betrayed and abandoned me. Everyone. And, fuck me, if I wouldn't - or haven't already - forgiven them, or beg for their forgiveness. I've forgiven Miles and taken him back over and over...only for him to break my heart again, or use my feelings and forgiveness aginst me. And I'd still forgive him for the last time if he showed up here tomorrow. But what I wouldn't do is date him while I still had time to be with you, even if he decided to be less straight. He and I will do this dance until the day one of us is in the ground - which'll be the day we both are, probably, or I find my sense of self-worth, and say "enough is enough." [The derisive snort he gives saysa how likely he thinks that is.]
I don't mind sharing your heart, Alex. I never expected to have all of it--that's way too much for me to ever dream of--and I can't give you a full one, anyway. Shelly's been dead for 14 years, and she'll still always have part of mine. But I'm used to losing what I love most, and I've never loved anyone the way I love you, which is terrifying given my track record, and I don't want to lose whatever precious time this place gives us to be together to the guy you can work shit out with and spend the rest of your life with at home, after you forget I ever existed. And I don't want to lose you completely any sooner than I'm already going to...which is where trying to get myself fixed comes in, so I can believe you when you say I won't lose you, that you're not leaving me. I wish I could explain how paranoid psychosis works, so you wouldn't think I'm just stubbornly refusing to believe you or that I think you're lying. Rationally, in my sane moments, I know you're not. I just need....more sane moments, whatever it takes to get me there.
And...shit, I'm sorry. I didn't want to say any of that. I just wanted to suck it up until they could fix me. I'm sorry, Alex.
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Date: 2021-05-26 02:49 am (UTC)[ And then he's quiet for a minute when Bass basically calls him out. He's quiet again when he finally continues. ]
I know I hurt you, Bass, and I don't know what to say except to apologize. The only thing I can say is that I tried to deny it. And when I couldn't deny it anymore, I tried to live with the status quo. And it hurts to know that I'm causing you pain, but I couldn't keep pretending anymore, Sebastian. One of the things I promised myself when we got serious was that I was going to do better than I had with Guerin. I've lied too much in my life. To myself more than anyone.
So maybe what I should apologize for is not telling you from the beginning. I was just afraid that if I admitted I still had feelings for him, that I wanted to see where it went, that I'd be the one to lose you, not the other way around.
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Date: 2021-05-26 03:16 am (UTC)You don't have to apologize for what you feel. I always knew you still loved him. Ironically, I found it comforting - it was reassuring to know you didn't just fall in and out of love. I guess I just hoped you loved me more, hoped that by trying to do better by you, I'd get the guy for once. And then I did. And now I have to learn to live with the possibility that, once again, I might lose everything. But I love you enough to accept whatever you can give me and be grateful for it. I just need to figure out how to get my broken brain to accept that, too.
Maybe if I actually believed I deserve to be loved, maybe my reaction would be different. I don't know. But if I can promise the guy who tried to kill me anything in my power if he'd just come home, I can't do less for you. I won't do less for you. Like I've been saying - your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me, so I've been trying to make that my focus: if you need him to be happy, then I'd be a selfish asshole to tell you "no." And I've been a selfish asshole for most of my life. I want to be something else for you. And maybe they can fix me so I can be.
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Date: 2021-08-08 08:52 pm (UTC)I don’t want to be your focus, okay? I want you to be your focus. I’m not going anywhere. And if you have to call me daily to remind yourself I’m still here, that’s fine.
I just… I love you. And I want you to be okay for you.
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Date: 2021-08-08 10:51 pm (UTC)I don't know how else to explain to you, and I know you probably don't know how else to try to get through to me. But...I'm not just being stubborn. I'm not trying to be difficult or make things harder for you. I want to believe you. I want to be okay, grateful for whatever parts of your love I get. I want you to feel at home with me, not like you're waiting for me to explode. I want you to understand that my...living with this is as good as it might get. That I'm always going to be afraid. That I'm trying to be good, but I may...act out when it gets too hard. And that none of that is your fault, and none of it is me "being unfair" to you.
[Cause he can imagine how this'll get spun, particularly by Alex's friends, except maybe Liz, who seems to understand his struggles more than anyone ever has. It's how his shit has always been spun. Sympathy for Miles for having to "put up" with him. Frustration that he can't just...get it and be better. Accusations of being difficult and overly dramatic and that he's trying to make excuses for bad behavior. Even now, when he's trying to be "good" and play the "good person/good boyfriend" role, he knows he's not doing it "right," and he'll be judged for it. It's exhausting, and he misses Hannibal who was the first person to really seem to understand, to be able to explain why he is how he is and tell him his feelings aren't his fault, that he can only be responsible for his actions, but should be honest about his feelings and stop taking them out on himself in self-destructive ways.
But that's bullshit. He's parsing every single word, trying to get Alex to understand that he's trying to give Alex what he says he needs, but that asking him to be happy about it is doomed to failure, and, honestly, a little unfair, given Bass's brain chemistry and wiring. He can control what he says and does, but not how he feels, and it's frustrating to feel like his feelings are wrong or selfish, when he's trying to be the least selfish he's ever been. ]
I don't need to call and check up on you. Contrary to what my emotional upheaval suggests, I do trust you, Alex. And I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I'd...give up, walk away, move on, and hope for better luck next time. You're not going to get me to self-acceptance in one conversation; not when I'm fighting 30+ years of self-loathing. I just don't want to keep causing you pain. So, maybe they'll fix me, and, then, maybe I'll be better for myself, too.